


Blue

by MaeTaurus



Series: Blue Neighborhood [15]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-05
Updated: 2017-01-05
Packaged: 2019-09-12 07:11:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16868452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaeTaurus/pseuds/MaeTaurus
Summary: The aftermath after one of Phil’s alters takes control and hurts Dan.





	Blue

**Author's Note:**

> Based on Troye Sivan's song, Blue, from his album, Blue Neighborhood.
> 
> Originally posted to Tumblr on January 5, 2017.

Phil came round and was immediately confused about what had happened. That is, until he saw Dan on the ground in front of him and his own fist raised. “Oh my god,” Phil whispered. He moved away from Dan slowly, backing away until his back was against the wall.

“Phil it’s okay,” Dan said softly. He had one hand cupping his swelling jaw. “It’s okay, it wasn’t you.”

He shook his head. “It’s all my fault. I’m dangerous. We’re dangerous. You shouldn’t be around me, Dan. I could hurt you again.”

Dan carefully got up off the floor, trying to ignore the throbbing pain in his jaw. “No you won’t. You would never hurt me, not you. You didn’t do this, they did.”

“No!” Phil shouted. “You’re not safe!” He ran out of the room quickly, not trusting himself to be around Dan anymore.

Dan sighed and went to the kitchen to get some ice for his jaw. It wasn’t too bad but he was worried about how he would hide the bruises he could already feel forming. He headed for Phil’s bedroom but as he got closer he could hear Phil was making a lot of rustling noises. Dan opened the door and frowned when he saw Phil packing. “What- what are you doing?”

Phil glanced towards the door then quickly went back to the task at hand. “I’m leaving. I’ll stay with Pj for a few days then I’ll find my own place. It’s not safe for you to be around me anymore,” Phil insisted.

Dan opened his mouth to speak but Phil interrupted him. “No. Don’t argue. I’m packing up most of my things now but I’ll have to come back for the rest.” He looked over at Dan. “I’ve already hurt you once, and that’s one time too many.”

“Phil-”

“No, Dan. You were there. I hit you. Maybe it wasn’t technically me but it was still my body. Me being here is just putting you in danger. And that’s not fair, you didn’t ask for this.” Phil was starting to tear up. He didn’t want to leave Dan but he loved him and all Phil wanted was for him to be safe.

He shook his head. “I don’t care. No, listen to me,” Dan insisted, not letting Phil interrupt again. “You’re right, I was there. But you weren’t. Do you even remember what happened?”

Phil thought back but he couldn’t remember. “No, all I remember is we were talking and then the next thing I knew you were on the ground.”

“Exactly,” Dan said, his voice softer now. “You don’t remember, so it wasn’t you.” He took a few steps towards Phil and took one of his hands in his own. “It wasn’t you,” Dan repeated.

Phil snatched his hand away from Dan. “No! You still got hurt. It doesn’t matter if it was me or not. I was the only other person in the room and you got hurt. It’s my fault!” He went back to packing, throwing random clothes into his suitcase.

Dan went and saw on the chest at the end of Phil’s bed, watching him pack. He was at a loss for what to do. He didn’t want Phil to leave, of course he didn’t. But he also didn’t know how he could convince Phil that it was a good idea for him to stay.

He saw a lot of himself when he looked at Phil. Specifically a younger version of himself that was terrified of who he was, though his reasons were very different than Phil’s.

“You’re scared,” Dan murmured.

“What?”

“You’re scared of yourself. You’re scared of who you are, or rather who you aren’t.”

Phil stood up but didn’t turn around, staring at the wall and trying to blink away tears.

“I know how you feel, at least on some level. I was scared of myself too one, scared of not being straight. And you’re scared of losing control again.” Dan paused, giving Phil the opportunity to speak up but when he didn’t, he continued speaking. “I’ve only ever seen you lose control once before and it was in the early years of us knowing each other. I’m not even sure you remember, it was only for a split second and I never even told you but I saw-”

“You saw my eyes change color,” Phil finished for him. He nodded and closed his eyes. “I knew you saw, I was hoping you hadn’t but I knew you did. I could see the fear all over your face. You looked terrified of me. I swore to myself I would never let that happen again, that I would never give you a reason to look at me like that.”

“Phil I-”

Phil shook his head, cutting off Dan. “It’s okay, you should be scared of me.”

“No, listen,” Dan insisted. “Just now I was scared, but I wasn’t scared of you, I was scared for you.”

“You- what?” Phil asked, turning around to look at Dan.

Dan stood up and walked over to Phil. “I knew once you came back that you would be scared and feel guilty, even though I know you have no reason to be. I was scared of how you would react when you realized one of your alters had punched me. I don’t want you to feel guilty or hate yourself. And I was scared that would happen.” He brushed his fingertips across Phil’s arm and smiled at him gently. “I wasn’t scared of you then and I’m not now.”

Phil started crying, hot tears leaking down his cheeks. “You were scared for me?” He looked down at Dan’s hand and smiled briefly before looking back up at his face.

He nodded, moving his hand down Phil’s arm and holding his hand. “Yes. I wasn’t scared of you because I knew it wasn’t you. I knew you’d lost control and I was just worried about how you would react. The last time, you lost control for a split second and you were upset for a week. But this time it was worse and I was worried about how badly you would react.”

Phil held Dan’s hand and squeezed it. “I don’t know what to say,” he whispered.

Dan wrapped both arms around Phil’s neck and hugged him tightly, smiling when he felt Phil’s arms go around his waist. “Say that you’ll stay. Say you won’t move out. Say we’re in this together, because we are Phil. When you told me you have Dissociative Identity Disorder, it didn’t change how I felt about you. I love you just as much as I did before I knew, more actually. I could’ve walked away when I found out but I didn’t, I didn’t want to and I’ll never regret that decision. I love you.”

Phil started crying harder and held onto Dan. “I’m staying,” he whispered. “Always.” He buried his face against Dan’s shoulder and start sobbing. “I love you so much,” Phil said through loud sobs.

He smiled a bit and led Phil to bed, helping him lay down then pulled the covers over both of them. Dan laid on his back and pulled Phil close so Phil’s head was on his chest. He rubbed Phil’s back with one hand and ran his fingers through Phil’s hair with the other. “And so am I, always,” Dan murmured. He knew Phil well enough to know that on the rare occasions he cried like this, all Phil needed was to be held and given the chance to cry it out and talk about it later. So that’s what Dan did. He held Phil close and petted his hair, a small reminder that he wasn’t alone and he never would be.

“I love you,” Dan whispered after a while when he noticed Phil’s sobs had quieted and his breathing had slowed down.

“I love you too,” Phil murmured.


End file.
